Olvido

Sé que estoy regresando a la normalidad porqué me dan ganas de leer e incluso de escribir, lo que no sé es que va a ser la normalidad ahora.

 

Hace unos meses me enteré de que mi hermana mayor parecía que tenia cáncer porqué un tumor gigante le aplastada los riñones y le había tomado todo el utero y avanzaba cada segundo a los pulmones.  Según los exámenes no era maligno, e incluso estuvo un tiempo de diagnostico en diagnostico, pero algo veloz se la estaba devorando y algo que provenía de ella misma. Su nombre: Leiosarcoma, una patología de Cáncer raro que da a los músculos involuntarios. Recuerdo la primera vez que leí la palabra, no la podía ni pronunciar. Leiosarcoma de carácter agresivo. En dos meses enterramos a mi hermana. En una especie de balance macabro que no voy a tener nunca el valor de balancear debido a la enfermedad de mi hermana en ese mismo tiempo le encontraron un cáncer a mi hermano. El mismo cáncer que había tenido mi padre, un viejo enemigo de mi biografía.  Mi hermano se opero el mismo día que enterramos a mi hermana y casi se muere en una complicación propia de su enfermedad a la semana del entierro.  En ninguna de estas dos batallas he sido una heroína y no es mi intención ventilar mis cueros al sol para que todos podamos valorar las cosas que más nos importan. Necesito llevar un record de todo esto, de lo que va a pasar ahora que estoy saliendo del shok, nunca he querido  nada tanto como que mi hermana no se muera, ni siquiera sabía que se podía querer tanto algo (no tengo hijos y en mi adultez en algún punto del camino creo que me convertí al narcisismo –woody allen dixit-)

Ahora nos aferramos a las fotos y las mandamos a copiar para nunca perderlas, mi hermano se está recuperando de sus operaciones y tiene toda un aura alrededor de el, como que vio la jugada más importante y volvió;  estuvo en coma ocho días y se acuerda de todo lo que soñó… locote.

 

Todo el tiempo mi batalla es recordar a mi hermana, vivo siete años fuera de Ecuador y siempre que venia la veía nos tomábamos unos tragos me hacía matar de risa, todo lo que viví con ella se ve como una masa que aun no logro clasificar.  Cuando me di cuenta que estaba enamorada de mi presente marido, no se lo quería contar a nadie porqué me daba vergüenza pero no me dio vergüenza contárselo a ella y eso que si se me burló por teléfono. No recuerdo que me dijo, solo recuerdo el sentimiento y lo tengo intacto: mi hermana era incondicional y era bacansisimo estar alrededor de ella, en general todo el mundo siente esto pero además era mi hermana mayor, durante mucho años fue para mi la persona más cool y moderna del universo y aunque ya no la tenía en un pedestal, el confort estaba ahí. No era sencilla era una mujer compleja y por eso recuerdo otras cosas como que también era un relajo trabajar con ella y nos peleábamos como buenos hijos de familia numerosa multiparental.

He perdido noches tratando de recordar conversaciones como esa, de recordar sus palabras exactas, la ultima foto que tenemos juntas fue en mi cumpleaños número 30, estábamos camino a “happies” y ella la subió enseguida en el Facebook y puso: “con mi nana danila”  y yo ni la había visto, que bruta mi ñaña, no puso ni mi nombre bien. Si la hubiese visto me le hubiese burlado por ser de Tarqui y no saber escribir.

Mi pavor, no es la muerte, ni los canceres que acechan mi apellido, sino el olvido. No lo había comprendido hasta ahora, por eso sé que soy una mujer de ficciones,  porqué ante este pavor no tengo la menor vergüenza en usar mis recursos más bajos e inventarme lo que no tengo en el consciente, si sale de mi es porqué vino de esta gente, tengo todo lo mío bien incrustado en el cerebro por ahí debe de estar el carisma de mi hermana, la claridad de Hiroshi por eso me siento un poco bien cuando lo describo y lo expongo en alguna tierra franca donde podré volver hasta cuando yo misma me traicione.

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