¿qué hacen los incrédulos cuando la ven negra? … escriben cartas

Hoy hace un año mi viejo cumplía 63 años, y yo me obsesioné con hacerle una paella por su cumpleaños. A medida que iba cortando cada ingrediente en la cocina de la casa de mis padres, mi mamá me llamaba a cancelarme uno a uno los invitados de mi Paella, hasta que cuando ya estaba calentando todo recibí la ultima llamada diciéndome que la fiesta se cancelaba y que mi hermano Juan José entraba en un coma indefinido debido a complicaciones de su operación de extracción de  cáncer de Colon. Durante ese periodo, escribí una larga carta a mi hermano y hoy encontré uno de los pedazos de esa carta la cual obviamente es super cursi, pero me impresiono que me haya puesto esotérica, me impresiono y me cabrea. Últimamente estoy pensando mucho en ser valiente y ser batracia, de cómo se parecen mucho. ___________________________________________________________

Ñaño Juan

Te escribo porqué se me ocurre que esta es la única manera de hablarte en este momento. Hay métodos más batracios que a veces usa la gente como el Facebook o el Tuiter pero no tengo 3g,  ni celular, ni nada.

Hoy estoy súper preocupada por ti, desde anoche no te baja la fiebre y están mirando por todos los lados el motivo, pueden ser muchas cosas pero aun estás en estado critico así que los doctores intentan ser precavidos y no darnos mucho chance a entender lo que está pasando.

Ayer fueron tus suegros, los suegros de mi ñaña Karen, las amigas de Andrea, Jenny y Fausto y unos tíos de Pamela  a rezar a la casa por tu salud y el alma de mi ñaña Karen. Pienso todo el día en ustedes dos, solo se corta en los pequeños lapsos en los que pienso en el Juli, aunque no pienso mucho en el Juli… jaja mentira si lo extraño.

A veces también me confío en que vas a estar mejor y se va la preocupación, lo cual trae consigo una pena inmensa. El espacio de mi ñaña Karen está en todos lados y ese espacio golpea todo y de vez cuando a lo largo del día me derrumba ahí voy al baño y lloro un poco, pero llorar me lleva a pensar en ella y recordarla tan vividamente que la puedo escuchar y su voz en mi mente me reconforta y me tranquiliza.

Esto es lo que me pasa, yo creía que era atea, o sea no había salido del closet de mi ateísmo ahora con esto voy a misa, incluso hago algo parecido a rezar en estos porqué prefiero hacer eso que poner más triste a mis padres. Tampoco me jode mucho la iglesia, es decir, entiendo que se puede odiar a la iglesia por sus errores y treque-manejes de poder pero no siento odio, ni repugnancia, cuando fui promotora comunitaria llegue incluso a tenerles respeto porqué aprendí que las iglesias son los únicos que llegan a muchos lugares abandonados y aunque lo hagan para evangelizar al menos son una red efectiva.

No me había hecho “las preguntas”, no me hacía falta hacérmelas siempre he conocido lo bueno, los quiero a ustedes, tengo buenos amigos, una buena pareja, un poco de plata para gastarla viajando, algo que me apasiona. Últimamente he sentido que todo era demasiado bueno, pensaba que las historias giran alrededor de una catástrofe y esperaba la mía inevitablemente, fantaseaba incluso con ella, otras veces pensaba cojudamente que ya había vivido mi catástrofe sin embargo sabía en el fondo que todo lo que me había pasado era intenso, jodido pero con los años no habían tenido el peso necesario para ser “el momento catastrófico de mi vida”. Que ingenua que he sido y como me jode ser ingenua. La pregunta llega sola: ¿en que creo? Esa pregunta se me deriva en ¿qué sé? Sería idiota ahora decir que sintiendo este dolor, que es muy extraño y nuevo, me voy a poner a creer en todo lo que no había creído antes, eso es ingrato y falso.

Antes de viajar hace unas 3 semanas cuando mi ñaña Karen estaba viva y habíamos descubierto que tenías cáncer salí a beber con unos buenos amigos en Barcelona y una me dijo “este es el momento por el cual te has preparado toda la vida” y eso me pareció apropiado, pienso en eso cuando estoy muy asustada, tan asustada que ni siquiera lo exteriorizo con sueños, con este miedo instintivo y  todo mi cuerpo en alerta: Todo lo que sé y lo que he recogido me sirve ahora. Es como que mi credo son las historias, las de todos.

Me acuerdo esa vez que casi me ahogo en Manta, tu te diste cuenta desde la orilla y viniste a buscarme, al final yo ya no podía nadar y tu me halaste, me gusta pensar que  mi hermano me salvo la vida y tu siempre pones cara de que soy una ridícula cuando lo cuento.

Todos los que esperan en esta sala pueden entrar a ver a sus pacientes, menos yo. Mi ñaña Adriana y Mika se acaban de ir, he estado todo el día aquí, sin teléfono, ni revista y el tiempo se me ha pasado volando. Por la mañana te escribí 2 páginas y me picaron 3 mosquitos, estar aquí esperando me hace sentir calmada. Veo el reloj y construyo teorías, sino dicen nada es que todo está bien, ojala ya te haya bajado la fiebre, me aferro a eso, luego me acuerdo de le que nos pasaba con Karen y me muero de miedo, de nuevo. Me sentó fatal el Kentucky que me comí con la Adri. Me imagino como sería la vida si me vengo a vivir aquí con el Julito, por momentos parece la solución a todo y al mismo tiempo no sé si yo podría, ya ves últimamente no sé nada.

Así que ñaño, sigo esperando, tú sigues ruco, desde estas líneas te lo recuerdo con insistencia y cabreo: ya fuiste una vez el héroe de la playa murciélago, te toca serlo de nuevo.

___________________________________

Por cierto no es mi intención salir del closet, al final realmente no soy atea ni vi la luz de la verdad en mi periplo por los canceres de mis hermanos, la realidad es que soy todo lo contrario a los ateos, creo en todos los dioses de todos el mundo. Me imagino que me puse así por el dramatismo que requería el momento. Les aseguro que esto es un trozo de mi tripa, nada más que eso y lo publico hoy de cumpleaños a mi viejo Juan, se me ocurrió un buen regalo.

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